Some of the things I’ve been thinking about.


Being an *actual* polytheist, meaning I actually believe in the individuality and agency of the Gods, makes for interesting conversations at nearly any Pagan gathering. Given that where I live at least, those who share my religious belief (regardless of their particular practice – Wiccan, Hellenic, Druid, Heathen etc) are definitely in the minority, at least among the people who attend the same sorts of functions I do.  There may be other hard polytheists out there, but they’re not attending the meetups and public gatherings as far as I can see, not in any great numbers.

I have met up with some local heathens, and while they are very nice people, we don’t seem to have much in common with most of them.  We disagree on what constitutes racism, we disagree whether or not European cultures are worth saving, whether a girl identifying as a boy is a thing that should be encouraged, whether UPG (unverified personal gnosis aka the Gods speaking to you personally) and SPG (shared personal gnosis aka the Gods telling many people the same thing) is a relevant part of building a tradition or in deepening one’s spirituality and should be spoken of in mixed company, and more that may nor may not be actually relevant to forming a lasting religious tradition.  Something that struck me was that, while they have read the lore, and are more experienced than I in the actual lore by at least a decade, was that they seem to have picked and chosen which parts of the lore they use to support their belief (and twisting a lot out of context) while ignoring those parts that do not agree with their views.  That is my opinion based on very limited interaction so don’t take what I say as face value, it may be that further talks would reveal a different understanding.

So it was with pleasure that we met a husband and wife at our first large “interfaith” gathering this past year.  They and we had a lot in common. Because of them we (OK I, it was my decision to go and Mr. TF went along) went to the already existing local meetup.  Over time we began discussing our personal philosophy and spirituality.  We found a lot more in common with them.  One of the most important things being that at least two of us are actual hard polytheists and have had spiritual experiences that have convinced us of the reality of the Gods.

All of us have experienced the disappointment of going to ritual only to have frivolity and disrespect be a part of the ritual.  All of us, both the agnostics and the polytheists, have felt that it deters from building an actual living religion that will grow into something more, something that has an entire culture integral to it.  We all have experienced the desire to be a part of something more, something that would actually sustain a people.

It seems to us that people make the jump into Paganism as a rebellion but that’s where they stay.  They don’t grow, they don’t take to heart “know thyself,” they don’t take responsibility.  So when crisis hits, as it always will, they have no reserves, nowhere to turn, nothing to sustain them.  And for some of them crisis remains a permanent part of their existence – because they don’t understand the personal power they have to change it, don’t understand the power the Gods have to help them change it.  As at least two of the four of us are believers in the Old Gods of the North, we have a baseline that helps us understand the expectations the Gods have of us.

So we have been talking.  And we have no firm ideas but we have a starting point.  At the next large interfaith gathering, we are going to make sure the left over catered food goes to the needy.  In OUR community.  Not to the food bank or anywhere else.  And we are going to set up guidelines for this for all future gatherings.  If we’re going to talk good words about hearth culture, then we’re going to make sure our hearth is cared for.

 

 

 

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wyrd. It’s a thing.


So I’ve been working 6 days a week for several months now, since the beginning of February.  I have to say I’m getting more than a little burned out.  I work 3 days a week for another provider and 3 days a week building my own business.

This has been QUITE the learning curve.  I have a subscriber who is a physician in Canada who I envy because he has no concept of the hoops that must be jumped in order to become credentialed AND contracted with the insurance companies here in the US!  Suffice it to say they seem to, from my point of view, have a slew of employees that get paid a very good wage to do a whole bunch of nothing much.  And blow lots of sunshine.  And pass the ball.  But not actually come through and do what they say they will.  Not all, mind you.  Some have been exceptional.  And some employees have been quite exceptional.  But overall….yeah.  Just wow.

So the reason this is about wyrd is because of two (well three really) things that intersected in the strangest and most wonderful way today.

  1.  The credentialing/contract thing.  And the continuing non responses.  I have a friend who is helping me out of the goodness of her heart.  She has been involved in contracting/credentialing for 40 years.  She knows her stuff and she believes in my business and what I want to do for our community.
  2. My son.  He works for a business in our closest big city, where he started out as a data entry person and is now a vice president.  Hard work, dedication, and literacy *are* rewarded on occasion.  He has contacts in high places thanks to his position.
  3. I’m a devotional polytheist.  And I believe in making offerings to my ancestors, the land spirits, and the Gods because I’m grateful.  That’s all.  To me the whole Germanic gifting cycle is us being grateful for what we have, not in order to get anything.  It’s not a transactional relationship.  And if you think it is, then you don’t understand the gifting cycle.  Now, when you need something that’s different, and a different thing, and not directly related to the gifting cycle.  At least not to me.  No tit for tat in my devotions.

So how these all intersect is that my friend and I had a very frustrating and relatively unfruitful day following up on these contacts I signed months ago with no provider privileges in sight.  Which means no ability to bill and get paid for the work I’ve already done, even as an out of network provider.  Which I was promised I would be able to do when the contracts were finalized.

And a phone call from my son.  In which he had some questions about my university, and about my degree program, and what was involved (for reasons which shall go unsaid).  And his frustrations.  And I shared my frustrations with him, and named names about insurance companies we dealt with today.  I did NOT realize when I was dumping on him that he actually is on a first name basis with some of the very top power players with the same insurance companies.  But I found that out in short order!

Long story short.  Son and friend were put into contact.  Son and friend are pulling strings on a level I would quite simply be unable to accomplish on my own.  Things are going to happen now that might have taken a year or more without them both working on this.

And how does that relate to the gifting cycle, or to wyrd?  Well, if you’re a heathen you already know.

Quite simply, I firmly believe that my gifting prompted a return – not as a transactional relationship, but as an outpouring of blessing for my devotion and offerings.  I also believe my investment in my children, my insistence on personal responsibility and work ethic – even when they were VERY sadly off track, has paid off.  Not that I expected that, I’m just glad they are happy and feel successful in whatever they do.   But the fact that others recognize them for their dedication and responsibility is an amazingly reassuring thing.

And my wyrd, the web that I have woven using the ancestral heritage, and adding my own actions, has made my luck good.  I’m able to call on the help of friends, the help of family, and the help of people I don’t even know to aid myself to serve my community (and make a *small* living doing it).

This is what it’s all about.  My gratefulness meter is just about pegged out.  And my pride in my children is too.

 

 

Gene splitting. Or something.


So.  Have been in a sort of an argument with the writer of a Folkish Asatru blog.  I think I quite upset him by saying that I don’t think you have to be white to worship the N. European Gods.  And that I would rather raise a horn with an honorable Black Man ™ than with a white guy without honor and full of hypocrisy.  Which was not aimed at him, but at the Fearless Leader of HUAR.

I also said that in America, given our history, it’s quite likely that said Black Man ™ has more than a dollop of N. European ancestry in him.  So if he wants to worship Odin, or Freyja, or whoever, I’m not going to question him on it.  Because I am an actual polytheist.  I believe the Gods have agency.  And agendas.  And they choose who they choose.  They call who they call.  I’m sure many have been called, but few answer. ETA  I do think the call is a LOT easier to hear if you share the same ancestry with the Gods, and a LOT easier to answer.  Those who do, though, have been bestowed a GREAT gift, in my opinion, by those Gods.

Said writer said I am right, that he and other folkish heathens have no desire to limit people from worshipping the N. European Gods, that said folkish heathens simply have no desire to worship with said Black Man(tm) – mind, he did not say those exact words.  But that was the gist of it.  He also said he would not worship with me (gist again).  Because of what I said. But I find it interesting that he never said he wouldn’t worship with a white guy without honor, which was the point of my response in the first place.

Which leads me to ask:  is the color of one’s skin more important than their deeds?  How white do you have to be to be in his tribe?  Is looking white enough, or do you have to produce a pedigree?  How about a cheek swab?  What if you have a wop in the wood pile, as my father in law likes to say?  Does that exclude you?

ETA after reading Stormwise’s comment.  I think I should clarify: I DO think many of those who *appear* to be without Scandinavian/Germanic heritage do in fact have it. I DO think those of those who “look” of another race are hearing the call inherent in their genes, especially here in America. And I DO think an understanding of the history, lore, culture, and values are an important part of the religion. You can’t have orthopraxy without some understanding and “buy-in.”  You certainly can’t have orthodoxy without it! Dogma….another thing entirely.

And what if you’re 100% lily white, Swedish and German in heritage, with grandparents who emigrated and homesteaded here, but you are also a narrow minded jackass who can’t be trusted not to beat his woman and his children, and cheats on his wife?  (I know this person personally)  What if this guy is a straight up racist jackass who calls Mexicans ‘beaners’ and African Americans ‘niggers’  and tries to teach his kids to do the same?  Is this guy OK because of his heritage, even though he behaves without honor?  And if I say that I care more about the deeds of someone, about how they treat themselves and their families and their neighbors and their bodies, and how well they keep their word, than I do about the color of their skin, that makes me not OK to worship with?

Puttin’ it out right here:  I am NOT universalist.  I do NOT believe Asatru is for everyone, any more than Druidism is for everyone.  Or Zoroastrianism is for everyone.  Or Yoruba.  I think we all can agree what universalist religions have gotten us….a couple thousand years of massacres of native peoples because their God is so greedy for ALL the worshippers he orders his followers to kill those who don’t want to worship Him.

Do I think there are cultural differences that sometimes simply cannot be surmounted?  Oh, of course, without a doubt!  And that’s an important factor in a religion like Asatru, where ancestry – and culture, and values, and mores – play such a huge role.  For instance:  Voudun.  I respect the hell out of it.  Believe in the reality of the Gods they worship as much as I believe in my own.  But that religion is not mine, I don’t understand much of the culture, those Gods don’t speak to me, because it’s not for me, I’m not from those people and I know it.

I DO believe in the science that supports genetic expression and epigenetics, and I believe in spiritual inheritance from our ancestors.   Hel, I even believe in genetic memory, I’ve experienced enough times of knowing something I just really shouldn’t know to prevent me from dismissing that out of hand.  I DO believe in the importance of honor.  And honoring one’s ancestors.  And doing what you say you will do.  And being a responsible member of one’s community.  But apparently just saying that I place so much value on the values of our ancestors, means I am not welcome in some Asatru circles, because I would not exclude someone who met the standards of those values, based on the color of his skin.  And I certainly don’t want to go back to the times, not that long ago, when someone had to “pass” as white in order to gain acceptance in society at large.

When I was a child we moved 18 times in 11 years.  I always felt different, uncomfortable, like I didn’t quite belong.  Every time I would finally feel like I understood what my place was, or could be, we moved again.  I was a quiet kid who felt more comfortable in the woods, making a camp, or being in a tree with a book, than with other kids my own age.  I spent my childhood soaked in the fairy tales of Europe in every iteration I could find.  Between the moves and the family, I spent a lot of time watching tribalistic behavior, watching cliques develop and break down, figuring out who would stand by their word and who would not.  I learned to see the true value of people based on their deeds, not their status. And I sure as hell learned to read their bodies and their eyes!  So perhaps I place a lot more value on quietly DOING the right thing than being the LOOK of the right thing as a result.  I don’t make friends easily.  I have a lot of friendly acquaintances, very few friends.  I don’t give friendship lightly.  The ideas of Inner and Outer yard are innate to me.  I grew up with them.

It’s funny but the older I get, the more value those same sorts of people who would have never considered me as friend when I was young, now find that appearances can be deceiving and that deeds actually do matter.  I find myself part of a tribe of people who all happen to value those same virtues.

Ironically, it is my understanding that some of the most vociferous opponents of Americans worshipping the Old Gods come from …. Norway.  And Denmark.  Because American peoples’ ancestors left the Old Country and left their rights to worship the Old Gods there when they left.  And BTW we’re not Norse enough 🙂

 

 

 

Heathens.


Just read a post on a FB page by someone who considers themselves both a Thelemite and a heathen.

So if you have UPG (unverified personal gnosis) you should keep it to yourself or expect to be kicked in the ass by higher heathens who know more of the lore.

WTF ever.

Do they really think our ancestors didn’t have UPG that they shared (or not) as they were told they could (or could not)?  Do they really think THE LORE (TM) is a static bunch of verses written down in the medieval era that sprang, perfectly formed, from the Gods themselves?  Cuz it sure as hell was SOMEONE’S UPG once.

I AM a heathen because of my UPG.  If you want to know why I am, you HAVE to know that.  So should I shut up about it and say Nunyabidness when asked how I am come to this faith?  Or, because I’m new to the actual practice of heathenry – but not new in any way to the Germanic Gods (or a lot of Pagan Gods actually).  So 20 years of practice in the Pagan faith means nothing because I’m not a 20 year heathen?  OK.  Again, WTF ever.  Believe me, the self examination, the moral preconceptions examined and discarded, the self discipline honed over 20 years of belief has only made it easier for me.  I don’t have any Christian notions to scrap – I did it a long time ago.  Which I notice has not happened for a lot of these self proclaimed ‘elders.’

I’ve had talks with Stephen McNallen about esoteric stuff (ETA over the space of a few days at a gathering, not like he’s my friend or anything).  He of all people should be arrogant, close-minded about the Lore and UPG – but he’s not.  He isn’t standing up telling people YOU’RE DOING IT WRONG.  He WORSHIPS THE GODS and devotes himself to them.  He doesn’t waste his time posting things like above self appointed heathen police.

Now there is a time and a place, that I don’t disagree with.  But.  It’s not for you to determine validity.  Except as it seems to be in character with a given Divine person.

And I SOMEWHAT agree that you should be very afraid if the Gods have placed their eyes on you.  ESPECIALLY if that God is Odin.  But.  Still doesn’t mean every experience with every God is necessarily bad, or going to tear up your world, or that you’ll die a horrible death (or live a horrible life).

ETA I suppose this could be taken as whiny.  In reality it is frustration.  I really think those kinds of heathens have a real NEED for dogma, and they’ve simply switched out Catholic or Christian type dogma/religion for heathen lore/reconstruction.

What is it about heathenry that attracts arrogant assholes?

 

So. Running a business.


Well, I got a Medicare number which enables me to back bill for up to 6 months worth of visits.  I got a Medicaid number which enables me to back bill for up to a year’s worth of visits (though I will only be reimbursed at the out of network rate for those that occured before credentialing with the contracted insurance companies).  I am in the process of credentialing with the insurance companies and have signed contracts with several – which completes my part of the deal, it’s them I await.

I also got a part time job with a physician in town.  I wasn’t planning on taking a job, but my friend talked me into applying.  We, the doctor and I, are a good fit – she is interested in alternative therapies and tries to keep people off meds if possible.  It was also apparently in the Gods’ plans, because my husband got laid off from his job a month after I started.

Anyone reading this remember back this past summer when it was predicted that the Wild Hunt would ride early and ride hard this year?  Yes…well.  When one’s husband is a hospice nurse, and most of his patients die all at once, it means no work.

I am working 6 days a week now, 3 for my employer (and busting my @$$ to make sure she doesn’t regret hiring me!) and 3 for myself.  The paperwork, as with any job, is the time sucking mind killer.

My spiritual practice has shrunken considerably, mostly due to fatigue.  It’s hard to remember to do more than a ‘hey hail thanks’ and leave an offering on my way to bed.  I do a lot of devotional stuff on my way to appointments and to/from work.  Probably not the best solution but it’s the one I’m currently utilizing.

The good part?  I spend the better part of three days every week working for myself, and the business is at least paying for itself in co-pays.  I have not had to come up with money out of pocket for supplies, the co-pays are paying for them.  Doing house calls means almost no overhead – no separate office, no separate electricity.  My office is on the wall right as you come in the front door, and my exam room is the patient’s own home.

So business has been going, not expanding as quickly as I had hoped, but expanding all the same.  An ad placed in a local free paper paid for itself in one house call.  Word of mouth has been my best advertising though. My hunch was right, there really is a need for this business in this community – and word is getting around.

 

 

 

I had a dream


I had a dream last year that an enormous falcon gave me a ride on its back.  It told me things, most of which I can’t now remember.  And then it raked me on my leg.  When I awoke, I had marks on my right thigh, exactly where the bird raked me in my dream.  I knew somehow the species the falcon belonged to was a real species, and I looked for months, on and off, trying to find a photo that looked like the bird in my dream.

I found it today: Gerfalkon

Gerfalkon, one of the largest falcon species in the world.

For more information:  http://animalia-life.com/birds/gyrfalcon.html

I suppose it shouldn’t surprise me, after all I do worship Freyja of the falcon cloak.  I’d imagine feathers from a bird like this would be eminently suitable.

 

New Year, Big Changes Part 3


Gods I hope I can get this into one last post.  I tend to elaborate too much or else I assume people know/understand things they couldn’t possibly, unless they were there.  so.

I incorporated, I got a Tax ID, I got a group NPI (a must to take insurance payment), a bank account, and I researched what all was involved in getting credentialed with Medicare and Medicaid (or in my state’s case, AHCCCS).  But.  I drug my feet HARD on actually starting it.  Because that, in my mind, was the final step – the step that meant I was really going to do this.  Which meant I was really going to quit my not cushy but mostly predictable job.  Which is a rather frightening thought.

I suppose I should say what I wanted to do for a business.  I never wanted to compete with the other office, that was never my intention.  What I wanted to do was make it easier for those with debilitating chronic illnesses, those without their own vehicles and dependent on medical taxi services, those who were too sick to go to the office, to see a medical provider.  I wanted to do HOUSE CALLS.  I did a lot of research on the idea and it really seems like an idea whose time has come once again.

Mr. TinFoil was initally EXTREMELY against the idea of starting our own business.  He asked one of his medical directors for advice – without consulting me.  The medical director, who just the week before had told Mr. TF he was making so much money working for Mr. TF’s company that he was only seeing patients in his *own* practice 2 days per week, said it was a very bad idea and “the only way to make any money at this is to save up to buy your own business and have the waiting room full all the time.”  Hmmm…not a very reliable source in my opinion, given the apparent hypocrisy and inconsistency between the two statements.

But then he asked some of his coworkers what they thought of it, and all were universally enthusiastic about it.  One of the NP’s who works for his company even asked him to keep her in mind if I expand enough to hire someone else.  Which I thought was a fairly ringing endorsement.

I had already done WEEKS worth of research on Medicare pricing structures for our area so our superbill could be updated (and corrected).  It was simple enough to add in the pricing for home visits to my research.  I kept the results of my research in a separate folder on my computer and also in hard copy to make sure I had access to it even in the event of a computer failure.  Thank the Gods I did, because with the change in ownership and the loss of my job, it was already done and easy enough to put to use.

So after I got canned, I started the processes for getting credentialed.  UGH.  It took me 2.5 days to wade through the Medicare applications, IRS forms, etc I needed for myself and for the business.  And I mean 10 -12 hour days, not 2 hours here and there.  I suppose it’s faster if you’ve done it before though.  Then I began the process for getting credentialed with the insurance companies.  Which has been a problem, because if you don’t have a Medicare number you basically can’t get credentialed with the insurances.  Much of that work time has been wasted, and will have to be done all over again when I get my Medicare number.

This week I will begin marketing my business in earnest.  I live in a retirement state, there are huge numbers of people that this will appeal to!

 

 

Working for Hel


abbiThis is Abbi.  Or was.  We got her for my youngest son many years ago after his pet rabbit died.  He said he didn’t want another rabbit because they die too easily.  So we went to a rescue place and she won our hearts.  Her full name was Abigarrada, which in Spanish means ‘varigated’ and as a calico she certainly was that!

Her other name was usually “Pissy Girl” which should give a clue as to her personality…we often joked that she was Liz Taylor reincarnated (though Liz lives still).  Attitude was present in elephant size for this little body!

She was very very smart, too.  We used to have our extra dining room chairs next to the front door and the master bedroom door.  Well we had to move them because she figured out how to stand on the chairs and use both paws to open them.  Since this was before we had a screen door, she would get out – and if we didn’t know it, we would (of course) close the door and she would be stuck out there til we let her back in.  She, of course, would be quite miffed that the door didn’t magically open for her at her desire to come back in and would cop QUITE the attitude when she did get back in.

She learned English, which probably isn’t so surprising; I suspect most pets do if they’re at all bonded with their owners.  What was surprising was that she ALSO learned to spell.  For nearly 17 years we would give her a little half and half every morning when we got it out to put it in our coffee.  Naturally she came to expect it, and to ask for it by name:  milk.  (she actually said mawk, or maak)  She became such a pest about milk that we had to start spelling it when we were talking about it for any reason.  THEN she put two and two together and realized that M-I-L-K was the same thing!  So we had to start spelling it backwards.  For some reason she never did figure that one out, though it’s most likely because once we realized she knew when we were spelling it we got a lot more circumspect about discussing her “drug of choice” when she was around.  She knew other words too and could say them with varying degrees of clarity:  out, mom or mama (she literally called me this), up, treat (every treat was maak), and night-night (some weird ngy ngy sort of word).

She was heartbroken when youngest son moved away and would stand in front of his door yowling for him for hours.  It was very sad and we learned not to say his name so as not to provoke another outburst.  She eventually seemed to get over it and I became her number one human.

About 8 months ago Mr. TF said to me that she is getting to be quite geriatric.  I hadn’t noticed, to be honest.  She was just my little pest, my little minion, always nearby or behind my shoulders if I’m on the couch, behind my head if I’m in the easy chair, next to my head or on my chest if I’m in bed.  So I watched.  And he was right.  Some time after that she quit jumping to the top of the refrigerator, and a few months after that she started having trouble jumping on the kitchen island directly – she could jump to the chair then to the table then to the island, but straight there seemed to be out of her capability.

Last month she started vomiting every time she ate, and she was losing a lot of weight – and she was never a heavy cat to begin with.  Mr. TF did some research and began treating her for a hairball.  She puked up two huge ones and then she really seemed to rebound to her old self.  She even became as sociable as she had been when she was young and came out to greet visitors.

We went camping over Halloween weekend and when we came home she was alert, happy to see us, and gave her usual coo of affection when I scratched her ears.  She really seemed happy and healthy, like we had underestimated her.

Then, Monday at 1130pm, she woke me out of a sound sleep.  “MAMAMAMAMAMAAAAA!”  Over and over again.  I knew there was something wrong, I could hear it in her voice.  I finally found her, on the floor practically under my dresser.  She quit crying out as soon as I touched her but I could tell there was something wrong.  I picked her up and I knew she was dying as soon as I did.  She was struggling for air, she had dried poop on her bottom, and she was wheezing and limp.  I turned on the light and called for Mr. TF to wake up.  We had a tense discussion over what to do and he stayed with her while I spent FAR too much time trying to find a vet office we could take her to at this late hour in our rural area.

It was the longest ride to the vet’s office I think I’ve ever had.  Mr. TF drove, I had Abbi in the cat carrier in my lap with it open so I could stroke her head and try to reassure her.  A sheriff’s deputy made a U turn and followed us for a couple of miles – I prayed to who ever might be listening for him not to pull us over.  We weren’t speeding but a car out that late on a weeknight is definitely grounds for investigation, I can see his point, but not now, please not now.  Thankfully he didn’t.

She began seizing right after we got to the vet’s office, I had already called them to alert them and told them we just want to euthanize her, she’s old and we know it’s beyond hope, we just can’t bear to see her suffering.  They scooped and ran with her, and gave her oxygen to stop the seizures while they started an IV.  I know she was beyond hurting at that point but I am so glad they did that.  When they gave her the medicine I was there, stroking her head and scratching her ears the whole time.  It was a true relief to see her take her last breath and relax at last.  And so very sad.  I honestly had not realized how very much I cared for her.  I’ve never been much on pets as family members.  Now I wish I had paid more attention to her in her final months.

They were also kind enough to keep her in their cooler until we could dig her grave.  Mr. TF and I may disagree on many things but this was definitely not one of them.  She was coming home, she was not being cremated, and we were going to make a place for her.

I dug her grave Tuesday night after I got off work, in the front yard in view of the window she used to sit in and watch for birds, under our mulberry tree.  It seemed fitting that it was raining; I was grateful for it since the ground was softer and easier to dig – we have clay and calechi (look it up) so it wasn’t as hard as it might have been though I did have to use the pick and mattock.

Wednesday we buried her; the next door neighbor was kind enough to take her out of the plastic they had her wrapped in and wrapped her in a towel.  We buried her with a toy and a bowl of milk.  We didn’t say anything.  It’s too new, too raw.

abbigraveWe plan to paint her name on the center stone later this year or after it warms up again next.  I’m glad she’s home.  And I’m glad she’s not suffering any more.  The vet said her kidneys were probably failing and that’s why the loss of weight, the vomiting, and, in the end, the fluid filling her lungs.

So what does the title of this post have to do with working for Hel?  Well, I have spent most of the last quarter century dealing with people’s last days in some fashion or another; my husband is a hospice nurse and also spent most of the last quarter century dealing with the same.  We have spent a lot of time in the company of death.  So this blog post by Darksarkasm really hit home for me. I hadn’t thought of my intense desire to end Abbi’s suffering as work for Hel, but I suppose in its way it was. As was digging her grave.

Goodbye Abbi. Welcome home. You will nourish the tree and live in our hearts.

Sometimes….


So I started working in my new field.  Well really, an extension of what I was doing before, only now I’m accountable to myself and the board of nursing and my malpractice insurance issuer and my boss.

I’m an independent contractor and I get a straight percentage of the collections on patients I see.  Not a bad gig, I don’t get benefits, insurance, or retirement – but I set my own hours, and my income is limited by how many patients I see and how much income my billing brings in.  The worst part is I only get paid once a month.  And our old biller, who hopefully will fall into a great chasm and never been seen or heard from again, hadn’t even begun to bill for July 29th as of Sept 1.  Jerk.  I’m so glad we have a new biller!

Well the other office got broken into last month, the safe was stolen,and the checks for the business account were in the safe.  My already meager check bounced because the office manager apparently forgot to include my name on the list of checks that were supposed to be allowed to go through on this account, which had been frozen due to the checks being stolen (and four forged checks have already been presented and refused).  So I did not get paid at all this month after all.

I haven’t had a paycheck since July but I’ve been working my @$$ off! The July paycheck is from the old job…the new one hasn’t paid my a penny that I’ve actually gotten to keep.

Sometimes…I think I must be wearing a “kick me” sign on my back, spiritually speaking….