For many years I felt like I was an exhausted swimmer, thrashing about in a choppy ocean, trying to get to – somewhere – I wasn’t sure where.
I was, frankly, not a good wife to my first husband. This is both my fault and his. I was too young to really understand my role and importance; he was disappointed that I was too young (once he realized it was an issue) and punished everyone in the house for that.
I overcompensated drastically for that once I was divorced; I did everything I could to make sure I would NEVER have to depend on a man for ANYTHING again. I worked two jobs, sometimes three, to make sure I pulled my full weight (and that of my children) in any household budget where there were two adults. I sacrificed my children’s childhoods in doing so, but I did at least teach them a strong work ethic.
When I remarried I continued this pattern. And I began to really feel as though I was at sea with no life jacket.
When I came (back) to heathenry I began to feel that there was a place for a strong woman – but it wasn’t the one I was occupying. This made me very dissatisfied and made things worse, in a way, as I watched my partner unravel. I FINALLY knew what I wanted but I didn’t know how to get there.
I was wrong to coddle my man by always taking the brunt of things, by trying to do the job of two, by allowing him to isolate himself. I was wrong to think I *could* do the job of two without suffering consequences both in myself and in terms of my relationships.
I need a strong man that can hold me up when I’m weak, that can take up the slack, that can allow me to do my duties without doing his too. One that is strong enough to put up with a strong woman.
Maybe someday I can have that. And if not…well I guess it’s not in the cards. But I at least have a direction with my faith. And a hope that it can someday happen.
So maybe I don’t actually need one, but the ideal situation would be to have one. Marriage in the lore was an amazing partnership.