It’s not just me, apparently.

I have been battling a feeling of hopelessness and depression for probably a year — my spouse hasn’t worked a full time job in well over a year, I took a pay and hour cut at my job (though I got the hours back), the team atmosphere has been destroyed by a combination of upper management deliberate decisions and ineffectual middle management support for us line people, I’m legally committed to my job because they’re paying for my bachelor’s degree, I happen to work on the shift with a few truly nasty individuals, and so on.  And then there are the ‘customers’.  Things are getting desperate out there folks, and I see it in the people I come into contact with.  And it rubs off on me.

So knowing if I lost my job we were probably screwed, I’ve been quite the unhappy person.  If I had felt that I could leave, if I had another steady job lined up, I probably wouldn’t have felt so sad or trapped.  If my husband had steady work rather than here and there I also probably wouldn’t have felt as though the weight of the world (ours anyway) was on my shoulders.  If if if.   The problem with being depressed or with feeling trapped and the depression it brings, and the stress, is that you really aren’t capable of seeing things with any positive sort of spin.

I sort of woke up recently; I will have my bachelor’s degree by June at the latest.  I will go to speak with an admissions counselor at the university where I want to get my advanced degree in another week or so.  I will have my application submitted, if the counselor tells me I have a chance in he!! of getting in (at $65 a pop, I want to know my chances first), by the 15th of January.  And I will probably need to drop to part time in order to do well in my classes; this part scares the crap out of me but by part time I mean one day every other week will need to be dropped — my job still considers that to be full time but it still scares me to lose that much money.  However the stress level drop just from that will definitely do wonders for my quality of school work and my emotional state, which is also something to take into consideration.

My husband is working fairly regularly now, although he does not have a permanent position by any means.  That takes a load off me; even if we don’t use his pay for anything but stuffing the mattress, figuratively speaking, it means I am not solely responsible for our bills.

My middle son and his S.O. have made some changes to their lives; he has completed some education and is waiting for his license to be able to apply for jobs in his field.  She has taken a second part time job, which helps to keep them afloat while he waits.  My oldest son has moved back to Idaho and lives with his girlfriend and her father; they save money by combining households since she hasn’t been able to find a job since she graduated from college.

But, on to the reason for my post.  I read an article by Business News Daily recently and suddenly felt much better, about my situation and about life generally.  You see, I’m not alone.  I’m not the only one feeling as though the people in charge at work are completely out of touch, that they only ask us for our opinions (even though they NEVER act on anything suggested other than stupid little things) simply so there isn’t mass revolt because, after all, they are asking us how we feel and think…it’s most people.  Corporate Amerika sucks.  Like we didn’t already know that, but the corporations have really used the economy to their advantage and put the screws to their workers — who are, after all the reason their business works — because they know the workers fear losing their jobs.

I don’t know how smart it will be to incur more student loan debt, but I do plan to pursue my advanced degree because it’s the only way I’ll be able to work independently and make at least some of my own decisions.  I won’t make any more money, after the payments for the loans kick in, but at least I’ll not be going backward.  And I’ll have some degree of freedom.  Which is the key to avoiding depression, hopelessness, and a lot (not all, but a lot) of stress.

I’m hopeful about the new year.

One response

  1. No, it’s not just you.

    I know for myself it is not so much the poverty or the struggle as it is the uncertainty coupled with a sense of futility. When it all could go down the drain at any moment, and may be pointless regardless, it’s not exactly a formula for feeling empowered and envigourated.

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